Embracing My Health

After declaring to yourself  and maybe others that you are setting out to accomplish a specific goal… do you find yourself swinging wildly in the exact opposite direction?

This is a pattern that I have and one that has buckled my commitments at the knees again and again. There is one key difference this time from the others though. I know it. It isn’t happening or going to happen without my being clued in. So even if that backlash happens, I’m feeling okay. BECAUSE, I now know about it and can see it for what it is… a tactic, a trick for staying in the status quo I’ve lived in up until now. And seeing it as that, its power shrinks. Even if that backlash “wins” this time and maybe another one, two or more – it’s running scared. That tactic has been spotted. Brought out into the light, it is much easier to see it for what it is… and that is something that I no longer want.

‎”‘How does one become a butterfly?’ she asked pensively. ‘You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.’” -Trina Paulus

I don’t know that this particular post will resonate with anyone else. But the truth of it and it’s message are ringing clear and true for me. And I do hope it does and will for others too.

Over the years, I’ve done a lot of random consulting for family, friends and acquaintances on how to improve or transform their health.  Over the last month, it’s become clear that it’s my turn. It’s my turn to do some self-consulting.  It may become clear that I need outside support and guidance as well. I don’t know yet.

My health has become something for me to work through and past. It’s not supporting me and what I want to do in this beautiful life of mine. Now, I’ve been learning the value of choosing my words and conversations because they bring an energy of their own sort into my life. Even if I don’t mean it in a self-defeating way, just their presence has a weight. That said, I’m going to list the health challenges I have. I’m doing this to put a line in the sand. I’m not willing to let things progress one step further.

• Most noticeable: My rosacea. I’ve had my rosacea managed fairly well for about 4-5 years. About 10-11 months ago, something changed and it is the worst it has been in 10+ years. My skin is swollen, angry, red, itchy and sore to the touch.  It took me 4 years to get my rosacea symptoms managed after the original onset. I’m not interested in it taking another 4 years before I am able to again. In addition, rosacea has a personal psychological impact on me that I don’t want to have to swim upstream against.
• Aching joints. I’m 40 and I feel much older when I try to move. It’s especially bad if I’ve been sitting a little while and then try to get up and go. I feel pain.
• Headaches. Some of this maybe residual damage from a car accident I was in years and years ago. But, my concern is that my headaches have been more frequent and intense over the last 6 months. At times, they have put me completely out of commission.
• Excess estrogen. About two years ago, I went into my naturopath’s office for breast thermography.  I had a small lump that was giving me some fright because my grandmother had a mastectomy and ultimately died from breast cancer. One of my aunt’s has also fought the disease. It’s in my family, so it isn’t something for me to ignore. The good news, it was fibrous tissue and not a growth. The concerning news, the thermography showed that my breasts were still vascularized as though I was still breast feeding (which I hadn’t been for 2+ years at that point). Heavy vascularization of the breasts can be an indicator and precursor to cancerous growth. My naturopath recommended I implement an anti-estrogenic treatment plan.  I haven’t been consistent with this plan. Given the potential health ramifications, not being committed to this lifestyle change isn’t the smartest choice I’ve made.
• Dysbiosis. Sounds intimidating, doesn’t it? Yes and no. It’s an imbalance in the digestive track. I have too many bad bacteria and not enough good bacteria. This came about because of the high-dosage Tetracycline (antibiotic) I was initially prescribed when first got rosacea.  Taking that antibiotic was one of the worst things I could have done for my long-term health. But, I didn’t know that at the time.  I was just following doctor’s orders. The list of symptoms caused by dysbiosis is lengthy.  You can read about it and the full list of symptoms here.  (Symptoms I experience include: dilated capillaries in the cheeks/nose, post-adolescent acne or other skin irritations such as rosacea, malabsorption/poor digestion of food, fatigue, muscle pain/cramps and joint pain.)

See what I mean by the power of words. Just going through that list (and it’s not comprehensive by any means), is dispiriting.   But I will not be discouraged.  And get this, just a couple weeks ago, I was given some thoughts that have already helped me as I think about my health journey ahead.  The pastor at our church shared with us some ideas from Frederick Wooleverton. They may not sound inspiring at first read, but they are already revolutionizing my path and thoughts as I think about transforming my health. This advice is for recovering addicts. Why do I find it applicable? I do because not living the healthy lifestyle I know is best for me is a sort of addiction. It’s subtle, but real all the same. I don’t want to give up some things because they fill “a need” – honestly, it’s a spiritual vacuum, an unwillingness to look at something in my life that needs to be loved, accepted and healed.

1. It’s good to feel lousy.
2. Learn how to suffer well.
3. Get an entourage: support!!
4. Beware of shuffle (swapping one bad habit for another)
5. Figure out what’s missing – for me, this is speaking of the spiritual growth and healing that needs to take place.
6. Sleep is a secret weapon.

I perceive a lot of this journey will be as much or more spiritual than it will be a diet, or working on physical fitness, or whatnot.

This is a rambling, unedited, stream-of-conscious post. So please give it the grace as such. I just want to share with you where I am and create with you the possibility of a life of health and vitality.  A friend of mine said today: “We are wired for survival. Thriving is optional and requires conscious choice.” My body is surviving best it can.  I’m committed to thriving!  And here’s me, making that conscious choice.

After I posted my recommitment to embracing my health – I got ready for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I created the intention to remember my commitment. I know myself . I can be so disconnected with my own commitments that I will “forget” them by morning. More than once, at the end of a day, I make a commitment to eat healthy and do what supports my body physically and my heart spiritually. But then the next day, maybe sometime around 1 or 2pm, I’ll suddenly stop and think: “Wait! I was going to do better today!!” It’s as though I’ve thrown all my intentions and commitments right out of my mind, as if they never existed. Once I remember, I feel disappointed and want to back up the clock and start the day again. Ugh, what a cycle, right?

But today, I remembered and quickly. I made myself a yummy green smoothie (watermelon, strawberries, and spinach with all the healthy goodies). It tasted and felt great. I was feeling good.

Fast forward to dinnertime. We had cabin fever and decided to head out for dinner. We went to Taco Del Mar. Because I had been so good all day and eaten so sparingly, I thought it “wouldn’t hurt” to have a bigger dinner. So instead of a smaller portion and the healthier ingredients of say, two soft tacos or a taco salad… I had a chicken quesadilla. And not just a chicken quesadilla, but a chicken quesadilla platter! It was tasty… (but so are the tacos).

How I went from a too large and nonnutritious meal to thinking I needed something for dessert is lost in the mysterious workings of my addict-addled mind. Trust me when I say… when it comes to sugar, I’m not sane. Seriously! Ask my husband, Paul. He’ll vouch for it. In fact, he gamely and bravely tried to talk some sense into me while I stood perusing the various ice creams (looking for the brand with no HFCS – a form of insanity right there – but we can talk about that later…) in the freezer section. But I rationalize it away and carried on. I picked up two quarts of Breyer’s All Natural ice cream, one flavor for Amira… and one for me, since I wanted a flavor that had wheat in it and my daughter is allergic.

With the ice cream safely in the car on its way home with me… Paul starts to get through. He talks about how I help and consult my friends and family with their health challenges. He talks about how I spend hours researching and coming up with suggested plans and “prescriptions” for their healing. Then Paul says to me: “You need to do that for yourself.”

And I realize he’s right.

If I take even a cursory look at a file with my health concerns and issues… ice cream wouldn’t be on my recommended list. But I’d rationalize with you that I want to eat the occasional cup of ice cream. Don’t buy into my addict talk, though. The problem with that approach? Two things. One: quite honestly, my definition of “occasional” is a unfortunately loose. If there is a carton of ice cream in the house, you can be pretty certain I’m having more than a cup of ice cream more than maybe once or twice a week. And two: Healthy people CAN eat an occasional bowl of ice cream without harm or detriment to themselves. But me? I’m not healthy. I’m not healthy physically or spiritually. The dinner and then the ice cream right on its heels – it was a physical filler and numbing agent – in hopes that it would carry over and fill and numb my spirit too.

There you have it – not even 24 hours out from my declaration and I hit my own resistance to what I said I wanted! When I’m disconnected with myself, a rote and habitual form of resistance runs me.

I realize now, as I’m thinking it over and sharing it with you – what I have ahead of me is the work of being connected with the healthy life I want. Embracing my health is more than eating the right foods and exercising. It’s not really about that. It’s being awake. When I slow down, meditate and am listening and present to my life and my spirit – the work I want to do is no longer work or agonizing resistance. Instead, it is pure joy and passion again.

I’ll close with a version of the “tagline” I created for this when I first started out…

This is me, signing off and Embracing Love and Life! Embracing My Health!

PS – It wasn’t the most economical thing to do – but after having a cup of ice cream, I threw out the rest of my carton of ice cream.

Hi everyone!  Wow, keeping up my dailies has been more of a challenge than I expected. I blinked and missed 3 days. My body has felt a little rugged the last few days. Not in a sick with a bug kind of a way… but in manner that I would guess is getting rid of toxins. This morning is the first morning that I started to feel that my body was clearing the crud and starting with a fresher, cleaner slate. I have to say, it does feel good.

So far, I haven’t worked any sort of focused exercise into my daily routine. That’s coming right up.

Here’s to moving forward step by step.

I see the headline on the Yahoo homepage: “If current trends continue, nearly all Americans could be overweight by 2030“. I click over to an ABC News video. And what is the commercial that I’m given to atch before the news article? Oreos. A back and forth “bonding moment” between a son and father (albeit over webcam) eating Oreos together…

Anyway. The video news blurb audio wouldn’t play for me after the advertisement for whatever reason. The only thing I could see was video image after image of overweight people. I gave up and searched online for the study and found it: (”Americans Could Be Overweight Or Obese By 2030.” ScienceDaily 29 July 2008.).

The net conclusion of the study: as much as 86% of American adults will be overweight or obese by 2030.  96% of non-Hispanic black women and 91% of Mexican American men…  That’s no small number.

The only thing that will begin to alter these numbers are you and me.

Want to buck the trend with me?

Today was tough and I ate far too much sugar. I can feel it too. My body is strugglin’. I had a good dinner and no bad evening snacking. We all struggle with habits we’ve built over months and years and it takes time to break them.

Tomorrow is a new day. And that always good news.

Have you noticed when you draw the line in the sand for yourself – all of sudden – it becomes the most difficult thing in the world to stand behind it? That’s the way it has been for me the last 4-5 days. Almost from the minute I started this blog, I started resisting my own goals, my own best interest and my own health. The petulance of a two-year rears up in me and I find it really hard to give her a time out and tell her that she can’t come out of her room until she’s ready to grow up. Do you ever experience that?

The hard thing to reconcile is that to quit that behavior is to do just that – QUIT IT!

So here I am, quitting it!

I’m finding that choosing the right foods and the right amounts is pretty easy for me during the day (mostly). Evenings, however, the snack-a-beast tends to rear its ugly head. I’ve been asking myself why that might be. What habits have I made that encourage unhealthy snacking? And why do I feel like snacking if and when I don’t need food?

The reasons that I think are contributing to my nighttime snacking are:

1. Not eating enough and ending up hungry and craving food at the end of the day
2. Social eating– evenings are when I get to spend time with Paul. Making a snack and chatting together before a movie or at a break is an enjoyable time.
3. There’s a tendency for the eating to be more mindless — when I am eating, I tend to be distracted by a movie, visiting with friends, talking, working on the computer, etc.
4. Misplaced reward – when I’ve been good all day, I find myself thinking, “I can afford this or that treat – I’ve been good all day.”

I think for a lot of people, evenings are the let-your-hair-down, it’s “my time”, “I can finally relax” time. We’ve been pushing ourselves through the day to get all our responsibilities completed. During the day, we are accustomed to being disciplined about what we are doing. I think that may make it easier to apply discipline to our food choices. But evening rolls around and we shed our productive, efficient, and responsible selves and let ourselves treat ourselves to either the wrong kinds of food… or food we don’t need. We feel like we deserve a break. And we do.

Except.

I am working to be healthy. I want to live my life with optimal physical health and fitness. So here’s where I become motivated to redefine what “my time” means. Does it mean I can eat whatever I want… in whatever amounts appeal? It can’t if I’m going to live the life I want physically.

Here’s where we brainstorm together. What fills the need for … or is even better… than eating in the relaxing evening hours? Ideas? What lifestyle habits can we create to give ourselves the rest, relaxation and rejuvenation we need at the end of day without compromising our physical health and well-being? Share them. I’ll be doing some research and will share what I find alongside with your wisdom too!